


Disappear

by Ciggy Burns (ciggyburns)



Category: The L Word
Genre: Drabble, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-17
Updated: 2014-05-17
Packaged: 2018-01-25 09:49:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 965
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1644410
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ciggyburns/pseuds/Ciggy%20Burns
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The hedonistic and emotionally withdrawn, Shane, reflects on her past and uncertain future in the aftermath of an unexpected tragedy.  An alternate ending of Ilene Chaiken's L Word series.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Disappear

_"...and I don't think we're meant to stay here very long._  
_I don't dream of bringing heaven down_  
_not like this._  
_I'd rather move on."_

_-Shara Worden_

  

Shane sat shivering, towel draped around her shoulders and hair dripping with pool water onto Bette’s Persian rug. On any other day this might have prompted a polite, but firm ushering out the front door. As the screeching emergency sirens faded into silence, the last thing on anyone’s mind was ruined decor. Shane reached her limits. Found all she wanted to know and some of what she didn’t. She thought to leave, wet and all—take off running into the night, back to her old haunts or some random night club with music that coursed through her veins like the candy she use to inject into her arms when things got really bad. She closed her eyes and saw a vision of herself flying. 

 _Riding a white unicorn, his wings spread wide as they galloped above a barren field and then up to the sky. They powered through the white spattered blue, cracking it open with furious bolts of lightening. To the stars, they flew, and beyond the moon, before falling back to earth._  

The feeling swept over her, a high she could still taste. It burned through her nostrils sending a bitter drip to the back of her tongue before melting away. She recalled those days vividly as if they were yesterday and as she sat watching her friends tremble in silence across from her, she fought the urge to go to that colorful world of dirty bliss again and rid herself of the pain. At least for a little while. But she wasn’t that person anymore. She was someone new, someone better. Since Molly, she was someone she actually liked.  _No. Molly was gone, thanks to Jenny. Shit, how can I be mad at Jenny now?_  She crinkled her brow, the thought hurting her head and caught Alice's attention who gave her a worried look in return. “You alright, Shane?” she asked.

Those were the first words any of them had spoken to each other in over an hour. While Sgt. Duffy fired off questions and paramedics rushed about them, there never seemed to be the right moment or maybe none of them knew what to say. “Um—yeah. It’s just—” Shane replied, taking a deep breath as she leaned back against the chair. Of course it was a lie,  _she wasn’t fucking okay_. Her best friend, and most recently—lover, just took a nose dive off a two story balcony into a swimming pool. Maybe on accident, possibly on purpose, either way it was fucked up and she was fucked up and it was inevitable that somebody would get hurt. Just as she ended that thought, Niki Stevens emerged from the bathroom, her cobalt eyes clouded and watery as she palmed her flushed cheeks. Everyone turned but she looked directly at Shane.  
  


“Is there anything I can do?” Niki asked but Shane knew better, so she didn’t reply. She was done with Niki and although tonight wasn’t her fault, it seemed that wherever the pretty actress went, trouble followed. Niki stood a short ways from Kit, her discomfort obvious to anyone who was paying attention. She finally spoke up again. “I—I’m going to go…” she said. The silence continued until Kit walked over to her, wrapping her arms around the actress they all loved to hate. Niki sobbed and fell limp like a fragile doll in Kit’s embrace. “It’s okay,” Kit said, over and over, as though to convince herself more than anyone else.  
  


The scene kick-started Bette, because she was on her feet in a heartbeat, moving toward the kitchen with amazing speed. “Well,” she said. “I better put that food away before it goes bad.” She paused and turned back toward them as if having second thoughts. “Unless anyone’s hungry?” No one answered, least of all Shane. The thought of food churned her belly. Her appetite had died hours ago, from the moment she pulled down the ladder in Jenny’s closet and discovered the note from Molly. She couldn’t believe what a fool she had been but beyond that, she couldn’t believe how angry she had been afterward; she had wanted to kill Jenny. Now, the thought of it made her double over in agony.  
  


She heard Alice call out to her, “Shane!” Soon, others chimed in, their voices fading in and out. Her eyes grew heavy; a warm understanding comforted her. She felt herself disappearing and she wouldn’t fight it. For a little while, she would close her eyes and rest—deal with whatever she had to another day and hold onto the new her a little bit longer. A flurry of warm hands brushed across her face and neck, as urgent voices, soft and familiar drifted above her. “Shane…sweetheart…wake up…” she tried to hold on to the feeling although she was almost there.  “Did she take anything?” someone—who sounded a lot like Helena—asked. Shane kept moving, through flashes of time, years of excess living and love lost…

_of Molly’s smile in the half light…her brother Shay gliding down the half pipe…she and Alice on the kitchen counter laughing and smoking pot…and the sadness in Jenny’s eyes when she said her heart had been broken._

_Oh Jenny_. Laying face down in the pool, a beauty dressed in gold that glittered under the moonlight. Shane wanted to stroke her dark hair, fanned out across the water like a ghostly mermaid's. But not now. With Jenny’s sapphire eyes etched into her mind, Shane finally let go and disappeared into happier memories, of the person she was for a moment and hoped to be again.  
  


Some day.

 

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this right before I penned the story, Mine. I'd just finished watching season 6 of The L Word (the final season) and felt there was so much left unsaid or unresolved between Shane and Jenny. I wanted to work those emotions out with my own interpretation. I hope you enjoyed it, although that may not be the adequate word for something so somber. In any case, thank you for reading.


End file.
